


King of the Forest

by bereniceofdale_archive (bereniceofdale)



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drunk!Thranduil, M/M, Zookeeper!Bard, actually it's a reserve but well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-01
Updated: 2015-04-01
Packaged: 2018-03-20 18:17:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3660345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bereniceofdale/pseuds/bereniceofdale_archive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on the prompt "Bard’s a zookeeper and Thranduil the drunk who climbs in into the elks closure and tries to ride one, declaring loudly, “I AM KING OF THE FOREST!”" from rose-de-noire on Tumblr.</p>
            </blockquote>





	King of the Forest

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SomewhatByronically](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomewhatByronically/gifts).



> The prompt (okay it was a dream not a prompt, but shhh) was just too priceless and I've been thinking about writing something on the idea since the post was made. So here it is!

Bard Bowman's job was probably the most boring in the entire world. All he had to do was to sit in a chair and look at surveillance cameras for the whole night until the early hours of the morning. Of course, nothing ever happened. What could honestly happen here? There was nothing to steal, no one tried to escape. He could leave and everything would still be the same. Yes, zookeeping was definitely the most boring job ever. But his paycheck wasn't too bad and it allowed him to see his children during the weekends when he wasn't having a very long nap. At least they could go to the cinema and eat together for dinner. It had not been possible with his previous job. In the end, it had been a good thing he had been fired by The Master.

Greenwood was actually more of a natural reserve than a zoo. Except during at night the animals were free to wander about in large fields which had been adapted to resemble their original habitats, so much so that you couldn't be sure you would see any of them when visiting the place. There were also many endangered species preservation programs, as Bard would never have agreed to work for Greenwood if the reserve had not been such a respectful haven for the animals living here. Though, he would have preferred a more... animate job.

But Bard liked to do his job the right way. So, he stayed attentive, in case something happened. Bard sighed as he brought the warm cup of his milkless and sugarless coffee to his lips, taking a careful sip. Still too hot. He had a quick look at the clock hanging on the grey, crackled wall. 1a.m. Bard sighed, extending his arms in front of him, stretching his tired muscles before playing absently with his fingers at his messy ponytail, eyes locked on the screens. Outside, it was quiet and dark. Sometimes he could hear the howling of the owls in the huge aviary next to his little work station or the creepy laughs of the hyenas who couldn't get some sleep.

As usual everything was screaming "another uneventful night at Greenwood, thank you for attending and losing your time" but apparently, things were going to change tonight. It all started with a female elk crossing the path between the Forest and the Safari section peacefully, eating some grass and leaves here and there. Bard frowned, leaning towards the screen in order to have a closer look. It was impossible, he had helped locking all the portals between sections. He remembered taking care of the Forest one in particular, as two deer had almost escaped before being sent to the night area with their congeners. He knew animals could be damn clever. They could get out of their sleeping area if they really wanted to, it had happened a few times, but passing through the _portal_? No, impossible.

“What the...?” Bard let out as he let himself sank into his seat once again, confusion painted all over his face.

On another screen he could see the animals slowly stepping into the fresh air. He was not able to bring the elk back into the Forest section, but he could close the portal once again to prevent other animals from getting out. He stood up to get his jacket with some kind of enthusiasm: he could finally stretch his legs, walk a bit, he wasn't going to complain. He was tired of sitting in the same chair every night. For once, he could go out and breathe the fresh air of the night. But as he went back towards the surveillance screens to get his flashlight, his gaze caught an unusual movement on one of them. Could it be...?

“Oh my god.”

There, getting out of the shadows and approaching the elks now free to wander about, was what Bard guessed had to be a man if his figure was anything to go by, though he had long blonde hair falling down his back. Bard couldn't see much more, but he didn't need anything else to hurry out the door, not even bothering to close it behind him. Elks were peaceful creatures, but you didn't want to become the charging target of one of them if they happened to get frightened. Whoever this guy was and whatever he wanted, things could turn bad if he wasn't careful. And how the hell had he managed to get there, without Bard noticing it? Had Bard been too concentrated on the clock and his coffee and had missed the infraction?

Bard ran through the reserve to the section as fast as he could, which hopefully wasn't far away, trying not to stumble on roots or fall into some of the holes bordering the path. It definitely needed to be restored before someone ended up hurting themselves. Himself, particularly, as he was the only one walking here at night. Well, he had been the only one, until now. The portal to the Forest section was indeed open, just enough to let a female elk pass through. Impossible for a male with the antlers they had. Which was a good thing, honestly. It was easier to get a female back in than a male, as those ones could actually hurt you. And Bard wouldn't usually risk it, but he didn't have time for this right now: he had to get the intruder out of there, and then, maybe, call the police if necessary.

When he arrived close enough to the place where the animals were supposed to be gathered in, the sight he was given was everything but expected. There, in the middle of the pack of elks and deer, under the light of the small lamp hanging to the wooden structure, whose doors were fully opened, stood the mysterious man. He wore a black three piece suit, no jacket, sunglasses were hanging to his chest pocket and he was obviously very drunk, as he had colored cheeks and was trying to get on the back of one of the cervidae, not even noticing the flashlight directed right at him. Well, that explained a lot. Bard didn't know if it was a good a bad news though. At least, he wouldn't need to call the police.

But overall, the situation was not the most surprising thing. What was surprising was how the elks were... quite friendly towards the stranger. They sniffed the man's hair, and were not bothered at all to have him so close to them. Okay, animals here were used to human presence, but they only approached their caretakers, who they had known for years. Bard had worked here for weeks and he still had to stand a few meters away if he didn't want them to run away. So, how was this even possible?

Bard, standing at a safe distance, cleared his throat. “Uhm, sir? If I were you I would get away from this elk.”

The intruder finally noticed him, laying his gaze on Bard. He stared at him for a few seconds, before sneering inelegantly, but somehow managing to keep his lordly attitude on.

“... but you're not me so I do whatever I want, 'kay?”

Bard resisted the urge to facepalm as the blond took a better position and tried once again to get on the animal's back. It was a chance the elk in question was too busy eating some leaves from the tree nearby, or else it would have been even more difficult. But by some miracle of nature or whatever, Bard witnessed the man actually getting on the elk's back. _Shit._

“Oh gods this can't be happening.”

Why wasn't the animal reacting? He should already have thrown him to the ground! Okay, it wasn't a bad thing he didn't, but _how_? Was he some elk whisperer or something? Speechless, Bard watched as the blond put his sunglasses on and lifted his arms in a sign of victory or... whatever it was supposed to be.

“I'M THE KING OF THE FOREST!” he screamed at the top of his lungs, almost frightening the animals, causing Bard to take a few steps back in precaution. If the elk started running, things would turn ugly as he doubted the stranger would be able to stay in place. The last thing they needed right now was to go to the hospital.

“Uh yeah, sure. Will you please come down now?” the blond man gave him an expecting look, and Bard sighed. “...your Majesty.”

“Mmmh.” _Oh no, not the "on one condition" thing._ “Okaaay. But then you have to be my _princess_.”

“Listen, I'm not sure...” Bard tried, but he was quickly cut short.

“NOT SURE OF WHAT, EH?” he cried, looking utterly offended. “Am I not good enough for you? Is that it?! I'm the KING, you should be honoured!”

_Why is this happening to me._

“'kay, if you don't want to be my princess, I'll just...”

“Okay, okay, I'll be your princess!” Bard finally cut off with complete exasperation, accepting to play the game, just for the next few... minutes, in order to get the man to safety. He gave the elk a mistrustful look, remembering that they’d better not linger there as the animal could decide to go away at any moment. “Come on, you're gonna get a cold.”

At his words, the stranger shivered. The blond seemed to realize only then that yes, it was actually cold and he didn't wear anything more than his suit. He didn't even have a scarf to protect his neck from the icy bite of the night. It seemed to be the thing that finished convincing him to get down and go to Bard. He almost fell to the ground as his feet touched the ground, catching up on the elk's neckline, losing his sunglasses in the process. Bard grinned, unable to help in fear the pack would feel threatened and run, or worse, charge. The stranger didn't seem to notice and slowly approached him as if he was not sure he could trust Bard, but he finally got right in front of him, eyes squinted because of the flashlight Bard directed at him.

Now that he was closer and under a stronger source of light, Bard could have payed attention to the better view he had of the stranger's features, but he only noticed how he kept shivering. Another sigh and he was getting closer, taking off his "zookeeper jacket" and putting it on the blond man's shoulders.

“Here, _your Majesty_.”

“I'm the King, you're the princess, I should do that!”

“Let's just pretend we reversed roles just until we get to the castle, okay?” Bard was surprised by his own reactions. Apparently, managing drunk people was one of his few talents. Maybe because he was used to being the one witnessing drunkness and not living it. The intruder stared at him, hesitated, but soon, feeling Bard's genuine kindness, all distrustfulness was gone from his eyes and turned into some kind of satisfaction mixed with appreciation.

“Okay. Thank you...?”

“Bard.” He put his arm around the taller man's back, making sure he wouldn't stumble on something as they walked back to Bard's work station after he had closed the portal behind them, leaving the animals wander about in their section. He couldn't do anything more, anyway. “And you are...?”

“Thranduil. _King_ Thranduil,” said-Thranduil announced proudly. “You should know that.”

“Yeah, right, sorry.” Bard rolled his eyes, but couldn't help a smile from appearing on his lips. “Nice name.” _Weird, but really nice._

Thranduil smiled, leaning a bit more against Bard, probably without noticing it. He was getting tired, no doubt he would quickly fall asleep as soon as they got inside. Bard would wait to get there before asking Thranduil about someone he could call to pick him up, though. If there was no one, he would have to stay there until he felt better, as Bard wouldn't bother the police with such an unimportant thing and couldn't leave his post to drop him home himself.

The wind had almost completely closed the door of the surveillance station, which was a good thing: the cold couldn't have entered enough to cool down the entire room. Thranduil would have complained and made things less easy for Bard to handle.

“Our castle doesn't look very kingl...” Thranduil started mumbling as they passed the door, until he turned his head to look at Bard, all the "I'm the King" thing suddenly forgotten. “Oh.”

“What?” Bard asked curiously, making Thranduil sit in his chair before quickly starting to make tea, a most welcomed thing if Thranduil didn't fall asleep before it was ready.

“I like your face,” Thranduil stated simply, his drunk state encouraging him in his honesty.

Bard almost choked on the now cold coffee he had started drinking. He _what_? Bard stared at Thranduil, finally able to have a clear look at his features - and actually paying attention to them - in the light of the room. Despite the fact he looked a bit like a mess, his long silvery hair were still perfect-looking - surprising thing given the things they had been through - he had deep icy blue eyes under dark thick eyebrows and beautiful features. In fact, he was probably one of the most beautiful people Bard had ever seen, if not the most.

“Well thanks. You don't look bad either.”

Thranduil smiled slightly. “I know.”

Bard chuckled, before going back to the tea. His short walk without jacket had left him quite cold, something warm wouldn't be unpleasant.

“So, is there anyone I could call who would come and pick you up?”

Thranduil took on a thinking face, his hands travelling from pocket to pocket. Bard already knew what he was going to say before he opened his mouth to speak.

“Oh. I lost my phone,” Thranduil said with a saddened face. _Great. Amazing. What to do now?_ Something told Bard that had Thranduil been sober, he would have reacted to his loss much differently.

“Do you have a car nearby?” Bard asked, obviously not to tell him to take it and drive, but to maybe have a better idea of where he was coming from.

Thranduil giggled, giving him an amused look. “Of course not. I live ten minutes from here. Or is it fifteen? Or five? I can't remember.”

Bard sighed. If only he could take his state of drunkness away in a snap of his fingers, that would be really helpful. But okay, good news was he didn't live too far away from here. It didn't really help right now though. Bad news was that Bard had two choices: first was to call the police and ask them to bring him home, second was to keep Thranduil here until morning and take care of everything himself. He felt like calling officers was not the right thing to do as it would bring problems upon both of them, mostly paperwork on his side, even if it was the logical one. Percy would take over in the morning before everyone else arrived anyway, and Bard knew the older man was trustworthy in case Thranduil would still be there at 7am. It was not like Thranduil was going to stay awake until then anyways.

Speaking of which, he had just yawned quite loudly.

“Okay, listen, I'll let you sleep, but first, you have to tell me something,” Bard said as he took the other chair to sit in front of Thranduil, taking the most serious tone he could manage.

“Mmh?”

“How the hell did you manage to get to the elks unnoticed,” Bard asked, before adding another question that tickled all of his curiosity, “and why do they like you so much?”

Thranduil giggled once again and patted Bard's cheek. “Oh Bard you're so funny.” He laughed, then copied Bard's expression and gave him a mysterious look. “They're my _friiiends_. I see them every day, that's why. I like them, they like me.”

Even if Thranduil indeed came every day, Bard wasn't completely convinced. And he hadn't had any answer about how Thranduil had entered Greenwood without Bard noticing him, but he figured out it was useless to insist. Thranduil wouldn't last much longer. He just nodded though, standing up to get the tea, pouring some in two mugs.

“You know, it's nice to have some company here,” Bard said, smiling to himself. “It's the most boring job in the entir... oh.”

Bard had turned to face Thranduil, but he had fallen asleep in the chair, starting to sneer almost imperceptibly. One last time, Bard sighed. He put down the tea and carefully, took off his jacket from Thranduil's shoulders to cover him instead, as if it was some kind of blanket. Thranduil's features had softened and he looked incredibly peaceful. Bard surprised himself to think he was definitely the most beautiful man he had ever seen. Sitting in his chair, Bard went back to look absently at the surveillance screens, giving from time a time a look to the sleeping man. But not before he had succumbed to the urge to braid a lock of his silvery hair, just like he liked to do with his little girl's. They were really as soft as they looked.

__________________________________________

It was 6:52 A.M. and Bard was sprawled over the desk in all his boredom, still looking at the screens, when he heard movement from behind him. Along with it came Thranduil's voice, low and deep, sounding much more "normal" than it had during the night, and also quite tired.

“Ugh, my head.”

“Good morning, _your Majesty_ ,” Bard said as he turned to face Thranduil. “Slept well?”

Thranduil stared at him with uncertainty, as the events of the night came back to his mind. Well, that was what Bard could guess, if the expression of awkwardness slowly painting Thranduil's features was anything to go by.

“Oh, right.” He grinned as he passed a hand through his long hair. “This is embarrassing.”

“Aye, a little.” Bard chuckled, then shrugged. “Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.”

Thranduil grinned as he put the jacket aside and stood up to walk a bit around the room, looking at the screens and the papers pinned to board hanging on the wall. “I hope so.”

“I'd better get going,” he said then as he took something out his suit's inner pocket. “Thank you for... uh, everything.”

Just before he passed the door, Thranduil looked at Bard straight in the eyes, extending a hand. As Bard shook it, he felt something thin being passed to him.

“I did mean it, you know,” Thranduil said, smiling slightly. “About your face.”

And he left, without another look, leaving a speechless Bard behind him. Seconds after came in Percy, his face displaying a rare sight of utter confusion.

“Hey, Bard,” he said with a pause. “Uh... why did the boss just walk out from here?”

“... _what?_ ”

Bard looked down to the business card in his hand. It read above a phone number and an email address:

_T. Oropherion  
Greenwood Reserve_  


Oropherion. T. Oropherion.  
Thranduil Oropherion.  
Oh well. That explained pretty much everything.

**Author's Note:**

> You should know that I've never been around drunk people and I've never been drunk myself and I don't intend to be, so I hope I got things right XD
> 
> I hope you liked it, I had a lot of fun writing it!
> 
> Thank you to genocidalfridgemagnet for editing my work, you're amazing! :3
> 
> Prompt here: http://rose-de-noire.tumblr.com/post/112886052746/i-just-had-the-weirdest-dream-while-my-nap-modern


End file.
